Chapter Twenty-One: Robbed

From Hubei to Beijing, a journey of more than two thousand miles, Master Liaochen deliberately wanted Yunhua to gain more experience. So, at the marketplace, he bought a donkey and let Yunhua ride it. The two of them disguised themselves as a father and daughter traveling on the road. Yunhua was quite excited, chattering endlessly along the way. The little fox, too, seemed inexplicably exhilarated; if not for Yunhua holding it tightly, it would surely have been lost countless times. Yunhua could only threaten it desperately, telling it if caught by humans, it would be skinned for a fur coat and so on. Yet the fox remained stubborn. Yunhua regretted her soft-heartedness in bringing the fox along.

They walked and rested, never covering more than a few dozen miles a day, so their journey stretched out, and the emperor’s decree had long been cast aside. To enter Henan from Hubei, they had to cross a mountain path. As they walked, Liaochen listened to Yunhua, who, riding her donkey, lectured the little fox with the same phrases Liaochen himself often used to instruct Yunhua. It was amusing to hear.

Just then, two petty bandits jumped out from the woods. They didn’t even have knives, only two wooden sticks, and blocked their way.

“This... this mountain’s mine, this road’s mine. If... if you want to pass, leave some road money.” The two bandits were clearly inexperienced; though their faces were fierce, their legs trembled with nervousness. Their clothes were ragged and filthy—truly a disgrace to their trade. Even Yunhua wasn’t the least bit frightened; the little girl actually burst out laughing. Liaochen sighed inwardly—if even a little girl couldn’t be scared, what shameful bandits they were.

“Little girl, what are you laughing at? We’re robbing you! Hand over your money, quick, or we’ll kill you both!” One of them, displeased, swung his stick.

Their props were inadequate, their rhetoric lacked force, their presence was weak, and their attire was worse. Liaochen silently gave them a poor review. He sighed and said, “Everyone’s out here making a living; it’s not easy for you two, deep in the mountain woods with the cold setting in.” His words made the two robbers nod in agreement. Liaochen realized these two were entirely unsuited for the demanding world of banditry. He took out a handful of copper coins and said, “It’s a cold day, and you two have it tough. We’re just passing through, father and daughter, and don’t have much money. Don’t mind if it’s little.”

The bandits’ eyes lit up at the sight of the coins. Truth be told, the brothers had been lurking in the mountains for days. They didn’t dare confront crowds, and when few passed, they failed to frighten anyone. In these times, those who traveled were rarely easy targets. So their gains were pitiful. Today, fortune finally smiled on them—this was a “big deal.”

“It’s not too little, not too little,” the bandits replied, clearly lacking ambition. Liaochen handed over the money, but didn’t leave; instead, he started chatting with them.

“Is this a bad year for harvest?” he began.

“Actually, the crops were decent, but the officials pressed hard. Those with educated relatives put their land under their names, but we have no such kin, so all the taxes fell on us. Now we barely have enough grain to eat,” one bandit answered, warming up to Liaochen.

“You two haven’t been at this long, have you?” Liaochen inquired.

“You’re the first to give us money!” one blurted out, honest to a fault. The other kicked his companion in annoyance. “Why did you kick me?” the first protested. Yunhua nearly burst out laughing.

“To be honest, I’ve never done your sort of business, but I’ve traveled far and wide and seen a lot. You won’t get anywhere like this,” Liaochen said earnestly. Yunhua rolled her eyes—how many bandits had her master met? Who could ever rob him?

Yunhua wasn’t lying. She hadn’t heard that “this mountain’s mine” line before, but she’d seen plenty of “slow down, danger ahead” warnings.

“To be a successful bandit, you have to rely on presentation,” Liaochen lectured.

“What’s presentation?” the bandits asked, eager to learn.

“Presentation means your attire, your words, and your equipment. Look at your torn clothes—people won’t take you seriously. If they don’t respect you, they won’t give you money. Am I right?” Liaochen explained.

“Yes, yes! No wonder people laugh at us and aren’t afraid,” the bandits nodded.

“And your lines—they’re too stale, not intimidating. You should change them,” Liaochen said seriously.

“What should we say?” the bandits asked, eager for advice.

“For example... hmm...” Liaochen thought for a while, but couldn’t come up with anything good. “Forget it, too complicated. You wouldn’t understand. ‘Danger ahead’ wouldn’t make sense either. Better stick to the old lines—at least everyone understands them.”

“Alright, we’ll do as you say,” the bandits replied, now deeply respectful.

“You should change your clothes, or splash them with chicken or pig blood. That way, people will think you’ve killed someone—they’ll be scared and hand over their money. And those sticks are pathetic. Here, I’ll give you two wooden swords, painted with silver. They look like real blades. My daughter played with them when she was little—take them. Throw those sticks away.” Liaochen produced two toy swords and handed them to the bandits.

“Thank you, thank you!” the bandits said, overwhelmed with gratitude.

“We’ll be on our way now. You two work hard—don’t disgrace the heroes of the road!” Liaochen encouraged them.

“Certainly, certainly! Safe travels, brother!” The two bandits watched Liaochen and Yunhua depart before disappearing back into the forest.

“Master, who teaches bandits like you?” Yunhua rolled her eyes, looking at her master with disdain.

Liaochen felt a satisfaction from having outwitted someone; he said, “Had they not met me today, they might really have become bandits in the future. But now, they never will.”

“Why not?” Yunhua was curious.

“They’re not taken seriously now, so the authorities won’t bother chasing them. With time, their courage might grow, and they could really kill and rob. But today, I gave them swords that look real and had them splash blood on their clothes. People will think they’ve actually killed someone, give them money, and then report to the authorities. The officials take murder seriously, and these two will surely panic and get caught. The swords are fake, the blood is chicken blood; the officials will treat them as a joke, give them a beating and jail for a few days, then let them go. After such a scare and a thrashing, they won’t dare try this business again,” Liaochen explained.

“Ah!” Yunhua covered her mouth, raising the little fox in her arms and looking at her master with mock disdain. “Master, you’re truly devious. I’ll have to be careful with you from now on. Isn’t that right, little fox?” The fox, whether it understood or not, responded with a couple of appropriate yips.

Liaochen nearly stumbled. Wasn’t this the moment she should look up in awe and say, “Master, you’re amazing”? Liaochen felt a pang in his heart...